In May 1988, before an operation for a second aneurysm, the top of Joe Biden’s cranium was removed with a saw, the arteries in his brain repaired, and a microprocessor was implanted in Joe Biden’s brain to monitor his thought processes. The top of his cranium was then reattached to the rest of his head.
This is a download of a small portion of Joe Biden’s thoughts.
Yeah, this coronavirus... I love it! This is just the most awesome thing. Why couldn’t it happen sooner? Why, oh why couldn’t it happen back in December? This is the best thing that could ever happen to my campaign. Finally, things are breaking my way. All those idiots out there who said I could never be president – well, this’ll show them!
I need to come up with a plan. Not a real plan. Obviously nobody expects a real plan from me. Talking points – that’s what I need. I gotta to get some of those idiots who work for me to come up with some good talking points. I need to sound like people can trust me to know what I am doing. So those idiots better come up with talking points that sound good. Something that Trump can’t do, because, I mean, seriously… Get real – it’s all a bunch of BS anyway. Let Trump worry about masks, and vaccines. I don’t give a crap about any of that. Hell, the more people die, the better for me – I can blame it all on Trump. Maybe they’ll vote for me then. At least, the ones who don’t die. And if they die, they can’t really vote, can they? So we need to make sure that more Republicans die than Democrats. Maybe they can pass a law to that effect. Yeah…
If every Independent has somebody in their family die – that would be just what the doctor ordered. I’ll blame Trump for it. And tell them to blame Trump for it, too. I have to remember to talk about this. Blaming Trump for everything is the best way to stay relevant. And I sure as shit intend to stay relevant! I need to give my staff a kick in the kiester; they aren’t doing much to help me deal with this virus thing. It’s an opportunity of a lifetime, and they just don’t get it.
Yeah… I gotta remember to express condolences to people. Not that I give a shit, but it’s important for me to sound like I do. What do I say if somebody asks? Dunno, not like I actually care about them. I gotta get Symone Sanders to write something, and put it on the teleprompter. Sanders… What a fucked up name. For all I know she is Bernie’s sister or cousin. No wonder they have the same last name. Maybe he did some black chick, back in the day, and she’s actually his daughter. Huh… I don’t trust her. Doesn’t Bernie have a son from some woman he dumped when she got pregnant, or something? So maybe he had a thing with Symone’s mother, too, back in the day.
And that Bernie… I am sick and tired of pretending I like him. I can’t stand the fucker. That son of a bitch almost stole my nomination, and don’t think I’ll ever forget it. All that Medicare for All crap he’s spouting… Like everyone doesn’t know that Obamacare is the best thing that’s ever happened. They should name it Bidencare instead of Obamacare. I am the one who led the effort on it, so why do they call it Obamacare? Besides, that Obama… When is he finally going to endorse me? Not that I really need his endorsement at this point. He can go pound sand with his endorsements. A month ago, yeah, sure, I was desperate. I would have sold my mother for Obama’s endorsement. And my grandmother, too, God rest her soul. Although, truth be told, I never liked her. She was pretty nasty. Or my mom. I never liked her either. She was pretty nasty, too. But never mind that. Now? Pfah! Obama can take his endorsement and shove it up his ass! I am not inviting him to the White House either, when I am president. That prick! Not even for coffee. Screw coffee. He can get his own coffee. Starbucks is just around the corner. That’ll let him know!
I don’t know about Symone Sanders… I’m not even sure she’s a real woman, so I can’t imagine whose idea it was to hire her. Maybe she’s one of those trannies. She sure looks like one, what with that big ass of hers, and that wacky haircut. Totally not sexy. I’ve never once felt the need to rub her shoulders, or sniff her hair. Her hair smells kinda weird, too. Even from a distance. Now that I’m thinking, maybe I should sniff her hair. Give her that good old up-close-and-personal Biden sniff. Would anyone think that’s inappropriate? I don’t think it’s inappropriate. I mean, seriously, nobody would ever think I have any interest in her. That big ass of hers alone is a deal breaker. Except that woman who used to be the White House press secretary, what was her name? Sarah something… Sarah… What the hell was her name? Oh, right, Sarah Sanders, she wasn’t exactly skinny, and I prefer them skinny, but at least she had class. Symone has no class, that’s the problem. I’m gonna have to do something about her. And what the hell is it with everyone being named Sanders? I don’t get it.
I think my dentures are loose again. Maybe I should visit my dentist, so he can adjust them better. They don’t feel quite right lately. Or maybe have my dentist visit me, that would be even better! I am too important to go to a dentist, the dentist should come to me. Like that mountain that came to Mohammed. Come to think of it, maybe I should get a new dentist. A woman dentist! Yeah, that would be awesome. And very politically correct, too. Somebody a little younger than Jill. Oh, hell, let’s be honest, most women are a little younger than Jill. Or a lot younger. So yeah, a woman dentist is just the ticket. I can smell her hair while she leans over me and does her thing, and she’ll never even know it.
And another thing, I need to write this down, so I don’t’ forget. I should do that video address to young people after all. Yeah, that’s a great idea that somebody came up with. What do young people under 40 do these days, anyway? They party, the go on spring break to Florida… I should talk about that. Yeah, definitely… They will relate to me better that way. Maybe talk about internships. Don’t I have some interns on my campaign? I know there are some young women, maybe I should do a one-on-one in-depth thing with some of them. Find out what makes young people tick. Who was that blonde that works for me in Philly? She is young, she can’t be over 35, and she has really sexy hair. Has a nice rack, too. Maybe I should have her come to my house to discuss young people’s issues, while I am cooped up here. Jill will be out of town next week, so that would be just the perfect time. Yeah… Give that blonde chick a little presidential massage while we’re at it. I remember how she looked at me last time I was in Philly, so I just know she would never say “no” to a little massage. Then ask her if she wants to go for a swim in my swimming pool… yeah… imagine her surprise when she sees my bod… yeah…
Visibility… that’s the key. I need to work on being more visible. Do a few more videos from my house. Like fireside chats that some president did a few decades ago, only people will be able to see me. Maybe show the fireplace in the videos... Maybe not a wear a tie. Or should I wear a tie every time? Which is more presidential – with or without a tie? Don’t presidents usually wear a tie? I should ask somebody about this. But Trump doesn’t always wear a tie. Though usually he does, so I should probably wear a tie most of the time. But occasionally, I should do a video without one. Maybe the one for young people under 40, I should do a no-tie video. They’ll relate to me better if I don’t have a tie on. Now, that’s a terrific idea!
George S. Bardmesser is an attorney in private practice in the Washington, DC area. He is a contributor to The Federalist and American Greatness, and is sometimes seen discussing politics (in Russian) on New York’s American-Russian TV channel RTVi.
